Seeking Ideal Employer

It is my opinion that employers have become rather a bit picky. I acknowledge that we are still recovering from a recession but what if the tables were turned? My job description for an employer might look something like this…

Wanted: Employer with an attention span of 30+ seconds and a compensation package which will allow me to pay all of my bills, provide a high quality of life for any and all dependents and still save money for retirement while taking enough annual vacations and the necessary personal days to maintain my sanity and morale.

Required Duties:

1. Spend more than 30 seconds reading the 2-page resume and 1-page cover letter which I spent 2-4 hours tailoring to your exact job specifications - and trying to cram in every single possible key word and skill listed in your exceedingly long and detailed job description - and still have it make sense

2. Must be able to extrapolate how my skills and experience can be transferable to your very specific organization and uniquely detailed combination of skills which most people will not have 100% exact experience in (note, this may require you to read my resume more than once)

3. Clearly communicate work objectives and expectations, and then give me the necessary training, time and required resources to complete said objectives within a reasonable deadline

4. Not micromanage the well-qualified employee whom you vigorously vetted via resume, cover letter, 2-3 interviews and 3 work-related references to ensure they would be capable of all job duties

5. Provide me with adequate mentoring and professional development opportunities, such that I may learn something useful which might help advance my career objectives

6. Regularly evaluate my performance based on a legitimate rubric which actually reflects the job I was hired to do

7. Provide pay raises in accordance with cost of living increases

Desired Qualifications:  

-A congenial disposition and non-creepy presence  

-Ability to motivate and inspire your employees, such that they want to come to work the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that…

-Ability to make me laugh and smile with (and not just at) you

-Ability to speak and write clearly (because I’m not sure I gathered that from your application or interview)

-Understands that your employees have lives outside of work, which they spend 40-65+ hours/week trying to fund, and, accordingly DO NOT send them emails at 10pm or on weekends; and especially not while on vacation or during personal days

-Brings occasional refreshments for the whole office to enjoy; because a.) sugar and free food are known to increase morale and b.) you make more money than the rest of us

-Arrives at work on time, and preferably before, all employees at least 90% of the time

-Encourages, rather than despises intra-office socialization during (gasp) work hours

-Is not threatened by smart, highly capable employees who strive to innovate

-Knows how to give constructive feedback and is not too chicken to discipline or terminate poorly performing employees

Educational Requirements:

-Should possess at least one, if not two redundant graduate degrees related to said specific field of employment, plus continuing education courses in current MS Office and/or equivalent software systems. If over a certain illegally inferred age, should also have frequent social media tutorials from a generation Y or Z member.

-One PhD and 20 additional years of management experience may be substituted for the above qualifications. Also see disclaimer for superfluous and ridiculously unfair considerations.

To Apply: Send me a 612-751 word statement which cleverly and succinctly demonstrates why you are the ideal employer and why I would want to dedicate more than half of my waking hours to work for you and your organization. Statements should convey a sense of your unique and likeable personality while also including an unknown number and frequency of pre-determined key words and/or phrases which are subject to change at any time.

Disclaimer: Should I at any time (before or after the submission deadline) receive an application from my mother’s cousin’s niece’s grandfather who also attended the same university as I did twenty years ago, or someone who once met my mother’s cousin at a sports game, they will receive unabashed preferential treatment, regardless of the qualifications heretofore stated.